When your life changes in a moment

You don't know this yet JJ, but just when you think nothing's going to change, that's when everything does. As adults, we start to believe we've seen it all, and already know the ending. It's one of the things that I don't love about getting older: If I get lazy in my thoughts (which usually happens when I'm preoccupied with work and other adult responsibilities) I start to believe that I already know what's about to happen. But if I think about it, I can remember so many surprising, amazing, beautiful and awful things that have happened to me that I never could have predicted. And that means that I probably can't know what's going to happen next, right? In the case of you and me, I thought I was going to my niece's first birthday party to eat cake and socialize awkwardly, like I do. I did eat cake and I was awkward but also I met you. It was an ordinary birthday and the most extraordinary thing happened. You needed a Mommy, and a plan was set in motion for me to become that Mom for you.

My niece's first birthday was planned for her actual birth day, but she got sick. And even though her Mom hated to do it (there's this whole thing where my sister in law plans her kid's first birthday parties on the actual day of their birth and it's really important to her, so this was a big deal to cancel), she canceled her birthday party. By the time she had rescheduled it, real life was back in full swing after the holidays: we'd gone back to work, resumed renovations on our house (more on that later, it's been our whole lives for a couple of years now), and the party, I hate to admit, got into that place of almost being too much trouble to attend. I thought about making an excuse and not going, but remembered that it was important that I show up. [Note: When you're older and seeing people sometimes seems like too much work because you're tired and just don't feel like chatting, remember that showing up is a gift to your family and friends, and that about 95% of the time you're happy you did it in the end. It's like exercising, where you can complain and make excuses all day long, OR you can just do it, and you'll thank yourself in the end. This is pretty much the secret of adulthood: just show up. Also exercise, it's important.] It was her first birthday after all, and she had battled a case of pneumonia to have it. And so I went, thinking I'd show up and that would be that: another year of birthdays celebrated. What I got was so much more than I anticipated.

You were at that party, and that is where I first laid eyes on you. You were swaddled in a little swaddle thing, your legs were bent up like frog legs, the way newborn babies do. You were so little, with a head full of dark hair that stuck straight up, and a face that was mostly cheeks that smiled when you were spoken to. Your foster parents at the time had brought you and mentioned how they were looking for a more permanent foster situation for you because they already had 4 kids. JJ, if you ever doubt that someone has been looking out for you since the beginning, remember that a family with 4 kids took you, a newborn, in when they already had a baby to look after, and gave you the best care for 6 whole weeks. You have definitely been loved by many in your short life so far. I didn't hold you at that party, it's not something I do anymore for infertility heartbreak reasons which I'll explain later. But I saw you, and a little brain seed was planted. I went back to my parents house that night to visit and they both told me more about you, and that you needed a home.

"Brianna" my mom asked me that night, "why don't you find out if you can foster that baby?" And I thought to myself, "why don't I?"

On my way home that night I made a call that started the process to becoming your foster Mom. I wondered at the time if this could actually work, or if I was hoping for too much and it would end in bitter disappointment. Here's the thing, JJ, all great things in life could end in bitter disappointment. In order for you to truly live, you're going to have to risk heartbreak often. When you're little you care so much about things and you try things and sometimes you fail, and it's sort of the cycle of young life. I remember trying out for plays and sports and teams and not really worrying about what would happen if I failed because I was so excited to just do it. Of course I failed sometimes and I would end up disappointed, then I'd recover quickly and move on. But a lot of grownups forget that feeling of being so excited to succeed and they get scared of being hurt, and that feeling gets so big that they convince themselves not to try to get what they really want. Some adults even manage to forget what they want to keep themselves from having to risk heartache in not getting it! That might seem crazy now, but being sad is hard and most people will try to avoid it, even if they avoid being happy in the process. What I wish for you, JJ, is that you stay brave as you get older, that you don't listen to people who tell you what you should be scared of, and that you put yourself at risk of failure often. It's the only way to be happy in life, and it's the only way to grow. You'll get hurt this way of course, but that hurt won't take you down for long. If you don't give your pain a lot of attention in your life, it will fade away like everything else does, and you'll move on to your next big adventure.

So in spite of the possibility of being so disappointed, I tried. I said I wanted to be your Foster Mom, and it worked. I brought you home about 3 weeks after that birthday party, and my life has been so different since then. Your life has changed too, and we've been figuring all of this out together. I'm so glad you were at that party, JJ. I'm so glad I was brave for a minute and asked about you. I'm so glad this didn't end in failure, and you came home to 2 foster parents who are so excited to watch you grow and give you everything you need to grow into the little boy and person that you are. We will be here as long as you need us, and we'll love you as long as we're living. For now at least JJ, you're home.