It takes a Village....or at least a cul-de-sac

This summer has not gone as I had planned. I guess I could say that about every summer, really...I always imagine lake days and picnics and hikes and barbecues with family and friends and long summer nights and lazy days and quite frankly, summer will never be as amazing as what I imagine every Spring. This summer I thought you and I would go to the lake a few days a week and just hang. You could nap in the tent your Grandma gave you, I could read novels and then we could play in the water together and you'd giggle and discover kicking and splashing and I would know that we'd spent real quality time together and we'd both be relaxed and happy and you know, totally fulfilled. HA. HA. HA.

After a rainy July in which we dealt with very sick (and messy) dogs, figuring out daycare subsidy, ministry stuff, visitations, and of course continuing house renovations, we took you to Shuswap lake, and *surprise*, you hated being in there. The lake was a bit chilly and I carried you in thinking the initial surprise would wear off and you'd start to play and we'd have fun. Noooooope. You clung to me like a bewildered little monkey and your face had a look on it that said "are you SERIOUS right now?" and after several minutes of me trying to be reassuring and show you how fun water could be, I gave up and carried you out. And you were happy just to sit on the beach and gnaw on some toys. I know from experience that things don't typically turn out the way I imagine them, for better or worse.

Before we got you, I imagined I would probably go back to work and put you in daycare. But I couldn't be sure, because so many people have told me that you just don't know how you'll feel once you have a baby, and that's true. I didn't know for a while if I'd want to stay home with you longer, or even forever. I didn't know how social I'd want to be while staying home with you. I didn't know how tired I'd be either. So now, five and a half months in, I know a lot more about you and a little more about me. I know that for me, staying home is tougher than my job. I'm a social person, and doing outings and hanging with Moms is great, but it doesn't satisfy the need I have to work on a team impacting individuals while creating change in the community. I spent years getting my degree and figuring out through trial and error what career path I should take, and the importance of that hasn't gone away even a little bit. I know that I also love spending the day with you, watching you discover things and taking care of you, and that makes the decision to return to work really tough. I know that although I'm scared to not be with you all day every day, it's going to give you a chance to play with other kids, which you seem to really love. It's going to also let more adults into your life who have the opportunity to impact your life now, and in the years to come. See JJ, I went to daycare and I loved it. I remember some of the caregivers and am even friends with them on facebook now. Sometimes I hear stuff from parents about daycare like "I would NEVER let other people raise my kids", and it makes me shake my head. I remember going to daycare, and I loved it. I played with my friends, I learned stuff, I connected with compassionate, wise adults. I was never confused about who my parents were because they didn't leave a gap to be filled by anyone else. They worked, but they made time to talk to me and my siblings, to ask us questions about our lives and what we thought (yep, even when were little) and spend time with us. I knew who my parents were, and they were always the most important adults in my life. I got to learn at a young age that we all have our own roles to play during the day, whether that was at work, school, or daycare. This might be a reason I find it tough to stay home. Then again, maybe not. My point is, JJ, that daycare was a part of the village that raised me, and I'm so grateful for that. Without it, I would have less caring, wonderful people in my life today, and that would be a shame. I know it's scary for Moms and for kids to transition into being apart for most of the day, but I believe from experience that it's worth it. I also know that others have had different, not so great experiences with childcare, and that's awful. Life is risky, and we never know what's going to happen whether we make a change or not. But I believe that the potential for good, in this case for both you and me, is greater than any fears I have about crazy things that could happen. What I want most for you is to be connected to a whole bunch of amazing adults with different opinions, values and skills who can teach you things that I can't. I want you to grow up feeling understood and supported, and I'm not egotistical enough to believe that I'm capable of being your everything. So you will have family, teachers, coaches, and friends in your life to answer things that I can't, to teach what I don't know, and to validate what I might not understand in you. But first, you will have daycare. And JJ? I'm so excited for you :)