What Comes Next

It's been a month since I wrote you, and in that time I've been struggling with what to write next. In that time you've rolled over, you've found your (yelling) voice, you've started grabbing your feet and anything else within reach, and we've spent a month of days and nights together. It's hard to choose what thoughts and hopes to write down for you, because there are so many swirling around my brain and in my heart. I am so excited to watch you grow, and to find out what foods, music and books you like best. I can't wait to hear what your voice sounds like, and what your first words will be. I'm scared when I think about you getting your first stitches or your feelings hurt. There is SO much emotion in me whenever I sit down to write to you, and it gets all clogged in my head and in my throat and I can't quite order any of it enough to type out to you.

And I realize that this is how parents sometimes go wrong. Of course we have dreams for and feelings about our kids, and we should. I have so many dreams for you already, but what I don't know yet is what you'll dream for yourself. And without a doubt, your dreams for yourself are more important than my dreams for you. For a long time, I've wondered how parents can fall into the trap of putting heavy expectations on their kids, then expecting their children to meet them. We all know parents and kids in this situation: Mom wanted her to be a Lawyer, Dad was disappointed when he quit Hockey, and on and on. Religion, relationships, careers, any life choices really, are frought with such emotion and heavy expectation. We know this doesn't work to make relationships better, what it does is drive a wedge between the parent and the kid more and more until the kid stops sharing information with their parent for fear of being judged or lectured. Until one day the parent realizes that maybe they don't know their kid at all. No one wants to be around someone they feel they disappoint just by being themselves, and it doesn't happen all at once. This is a gradual decline into no-relationship territory.

So I have a lot of feelings about your future JJ, but you know what? They're my feelings, and not your expectations. The main thing about your future is I'd really love to be in it. I want to be someone you want to share stuff with, even when you don't have to. I'd love to be someone you can be yourself around, and not have to edit what you say. I mean, be respectful. Be a good human being. But beyond that, just be yourself. I can't think of anyone I'd rather get to know.